What is this job doing to me?

Each week I write this Breakthru Guide as a small act of devotion: to join with givers, to honor this great vocation, and to stand with the brave souls who keep showing up everyday and extending invitations.

💖Please share with your friends who are on the frontlines raising funds for amazing causes💖

Welcome to the newcomers!

(This post is part of the 👻Spooky Season Series: The questions that keep us up at night😱)

Brett is one of the best fundraisers I know. He’s magnetic. He walks into a room and within minutes, people orbit.  He remembers names. He listens deeply.  He builds trust faster than most people build small talk.  And it’s real - he genuinely cares.

Which is why, the last time we talked, I knew something was wrong.

"I’m crumbling around the edges,” he admitted, his eyes carrying a strain I hadn’t seen before. He confessed to actually looking forward to the next donor trip - not for the opportunity - but because being away felt easier than being home.

“My wife and I are…distant," he said quietly. “I feel it, I just don’t know how to fix it. The kids are in their own world, and I’m in mine.  And somehow I’m falling behind on bills, which makes no sense, based on what I make.”

Then he leaned back, voice barely above a whisper: “I’m drinking more than I should. Just to take the edge off. I know it’s a problem. But right now… it’s working. Kind of. For now.”

And work wasn’t offering much refuge.Leadership messages whiplashed:
‍Just focus on relationships.
Where’s the money?
Have you called that new tech guy in town?
We need seven figures or we’re toast.
Don’t wait to feel ready - just get the meeting.

‍The mission still mattered to Brett - that wasn’t the issue. He still believed in the work. But belief wasn’t enough to outrun the exhaustion.

“I used to feel lit up by all this,” he said, staring at his hands. “Now I just feel… used up.”

‍What Is This Job Doing to Me?

This question doesn’t arrive on day one. It rarely even shows up in your first year. It sneaks in around year three… or ten.

It comes after your third gala in ten days. After yet another strategic plan you weren’t invited to shape.

After you watch someone your age casually give away $5 million… and it barely registers as a sacrifice.

You remind yourself you’re fine.
Technically, you are doing what you love.
Technically, you’re making a difference.
Technically, you're succeeding.

But the cracks are hard to ignore. You can’t remember the last time you took a real break - the kind where your shoulders finally drop.

You find yourself scrolling Zillow at midnight, wandering through homes in neighborhoods you fundraise in, unsure whether you’re admiring them…or aching for a life that feels easier.
You notice a dull numbness creeping into your days.
And quietly, you start to resent the very people you once loved serving.

This isn't just burnout. It’s something deeper - a slow friction between what you do and who you are. A misalignment that starts as a whisper, then becomes a weight.

‍Three Signs the Job Is Shaping You -  in Ways You Never Chose

‍1. When Performance Becomes Identity
‍It starts small. You miss a goal, and it doesn’t just mean you fell short - it means you feel like the failure. You land a big gift, and suddenly you are the win. The numbers stop being numbers. They become a mirror. And even when you’re off the clock, you can feel the scoreboard humming in the background, tallying your worth.

2. When Envy Slips In
‍You notice wealth differently now. Not in awe - but in comparison.  You watch givers talk casually about vacations, second homes, opportunities, networks…and something tightens in your chest. You don’t begrudge them, not exactly - but you catch yourself trying to imitate their world, or shrinking in its shadow. Not because of the people. But because of the distance between where they live and where you feel you stand.

3. When Urgency Becomes the Air You Breathe
‍Suddenly everything is critical. Every giver conversation is urgent. Every initiative is mission critical, do-or-die, right now. You move so fast, you don’t realize what’s breaking. Until your body, your home, or your spirit starts waving a quiet hand, whispering: This pace is not sustainable.

‍You Can’t Form Others While You’re Coming Undone

‍Every job shapes us. This one just does it in high-definition. The question isn’t whether you’ll be formed - it’s how.

Because here’s the truth most fundraisers learn too late:
You cannot stay whole without counter-formation. You cannot keep giving shape to others while you yourself come apart.

Alignment isn’t an accident. It’s a practice - a choosing - again and again - to stay rooted in who you are, not just in what you produce.

‍A Few Real Anchors

If this finds you “crumbling around the edges,” start here. Small, steady, honest steps.

👉 Say what’s not okay - out loud. To someone safe: a coach, a friend, a therapist, a spouse. Silence is where shame grows. Break it. If you don’t have therapy on the calendar yet, this is your nudge. Get it booked.

👉 Create space for truthful reflection. Ask yourself gently: Have I traded presence for performance?  Mistaken busyness for alignment? Forgotten what joy feels like in this work?

👉 Build your way back to integrity - slowly. Not with a grand overhaul. With one honest step.

Here are some steps you might take this week:
Rest
Therapy
Prayer
A long walk
A budget meeting
Journaling
Sabbath
Ending a draining routine
Showing up at home with attention, not leftovers
‍Therapy (did I say that already?)

Wholeness doesn’t return in a rush. It returns in rhythms - one grounded choice at a time.

‍A Blessing for the Fundraiser on the Edge

‍If the load has grown heavier than you ever meant to carry…
If you catch glimpses of yourself and barely recognize who you’ve become…
If the mask that once felt professional now feels like armor you can’t take off…

May this moment not undo you, but awaken you.
May these questions not drive you to despair, but guide you back - to design, to intention, to wholeness.
‍What is this work shaping in me?
And who, deep down, do I still long to be?

‍A reminder for all of us: We were never meant to lose ourselves to the mission.
We were meant to carry it - not become it.

* * * * * * * * * *

‍If you haven't taken advantage of some of the resources I've created to help major gift fundraisers, take a look now!  Initial calls with me are free and "no strings attached".  Sometimes folks feel like they need to wait and not 'bother' me until they have a pressing issue.  No need for that...just make the call. 🕺

‍Here's where you can access a lot of content for free:

* Major Gift Fundraising MRI Scan - A story-based self-assessment that helps you name your instincts, clarify your posture, and grow with intention. Takes less than 20 minutes and gives you a custom coaching summary based on your responses.

* JappaFry Writer - A freely available AI tool that draws from over 175 pages of original teaching, storytelling, frameworks, and strategy from my 30 year career in major gift fundraising.

‍* Follow me on LinkedIn - You'll get short pro-tips and reflections on major gift fundraising every day between 5-7am pacific.

* Breakthru Newsletter - As you've seen here, these are longer weekly posts (audio and written) sent directly to your email.

* Breakthru Blog - the newsletter from the previous week gets posted here each week for everyone (so email subscribers get it a week early).

* Breakthru Podcast - Interviews with high net worth givers about how we as fundraisers can get better at inviting them to the party.  And audio readings of Breakthru Blog posts.

‍Before getting to the PAID stuff: My opinion is that no small ministry with a tight budget should be spending more than $3-5k (total) for major gift coaching/consulting.  Most of you will be good-to-go spending far less than that.  This was a major issue for me when I was a frontline fundraiser - major gift consultants were an expensive 'black-box-of-confusion' for me.  That stops now.

‍Here's the PAID stuff:

‍* Online Catalyst Course - This is a full brain dump of my 28+ years of experience - good, bad, ugly.  It's built around the fundamentals, the sacredness, and the fun, of major gift fundraising.  It's infused with Henri Nouwen reflections.  Many people can take this course and they will be 'cooking-with-gas' and not need any additional coaching from me on the core systems.  I'm grateful that this course has gotten *great* reviews.

* Live coaching with me - I refer to this as "brain rental".  The ROI on live coaching, as you might imagine, is extraordinary.

Finally, be sure to connect with my colleague Ivana Salloum.  She's super awesome and can help with scheduling and access to resources, etc.

I look forward to hearing about your good work!

Blessings,