🕯️The Candle In The Next Room

“You should roll up a newspaper and beat him over the head like a dog!”

That was said about me during a call with one of our key connectors - we’ll call him Glen. Glen had phoned my boss to report that a funding source he’d introduced us to was withdrawing their consideration of our proposal.  Apparently something I said reached one of their family members, and they were upset. Glen was furious.

I remember the moment like it happened yesterday… it still stings.

I did make a mistake - I overshared with a personal friend who was close to the family. I believed our conversation was off the record, not a formal assessment of the opportunity. What I didn’t realize was that my friend had their own agenda and went straight to the family, twisting my words in a way that soured their interest in funding.

There was nothing Glen could do to salvage the proposal. He was deeply disappointed - as a true champion of our cause. I was devastated. Thankfully, my boss was gracious and understanding. Still, it was probably the lowest point in my 30-year career.

I’m grateful to report that all relationships impacted by the incident have been reconciled. The organization weathered the temporary blow, and - remarkably - I remained in this strange and sacred vocation of major gift fundraising.That experience taught me some significant professional and tactical lessons that have shaped my approach ever since. But I won’t go into those here.

What I want to focus on instead is the biggest reason I’m still in this work: spiritual grounding.

A few years ago, a fellow fundraiser was reflecting with me on hard times - when the going gets tough: “Even when I forget why I’m doing this work… I picture a candle burning in the next room. I can’t see it. But I know it’s still there.”

That’s my definition of spiritual grounding.

It’s not about whether you’re doing it right. It’s about whether you’ve lost sight of the flame and need help finding the light again.

In fundraising, this sacred light can seem obscured or hidden.

• A hard conversation dims your courage.
• An ignored follow-up causes you to question your clarity.
• A rushed campaign overtakes your prayerful listening.

You strive to keep going. But you’re squinting in the dark.

‍Is the candle still burning?

‍The Major Gift Fundraising MRI assessment asks this question:

Which statement below feels most like you?

A - “I live out the sacredness of this work through discipline - clear goals, careful follow-up, and a deep sense of responsibility to the mission and the giver.”
OR
B - “I live out the sacredness of this work through posture - prayerful listening, gratitude, and the belief that every invitation is an act of joy.”

Sound familiar? If you’re like me - and like most fundraisers I know - you’ve felt both of those. Sometimes in the same week.

This fifth and final lens of the Major Gift Fundraising MRI is about spiritual grounding - what’s happening underneath your rhythms, your messaging, and your asks. It’s the current beneath the current.

This matters a lot, because whether or not you sense it in the moment, the light is still on.

‍So does this mean we’re vibin’?

Not exactly. I’m not here for the ‘good vibes only’ culture. If vibes were the key to endurance and resiliency in this work, I would have tapped out long ago.

This is about making a choice on how you show up, day-in-and-day-out.

• Go into meetings with a posture of curiosity and compassion.
• Embrace each conversation as sacred rather than transactional.
• Remember that giving is more than a helpful outcome for the cause - it’s holy work for the giver.

These practices run deep. The fundraisers I admire most are anchored - they’ve cultivated rhythms and reflections that keep them from drifting into scarcity or ego.

‍Signs You’re Spiritually Grounded

‍Here are a few cues that the light is still on in you:

• You celebrate the giver’s story - not just the size of the gift.
• You walk away from a “no” with genuine gratitude for honesty.
• You protect your calendar - not just for efficiency, but to stay present.
• You’ve meditated or prayed before a major ask - not just for success, but for alignment.
• You discern when to pause and when to pursue, because your decisions flow from trust, not panic.

In other words, you’re rooted.

‍Signs You’re Spiritually Unmoored

‍On the flip side, here’s how many of us know we’re losing that anchor:

• We start managing givers instead of loving them.
• We confuse control with strategy.
• We dread follow-ups - not just because they’re hard, but because we feel disconnected from the why.
• We rush into meetings.
• We end every week in fatigue.

We may still be effective… but uneasy.We may be showing up… but a little lost.

‍Here’s a gentle reminder I often say to myself: You’re not alone in this, but you do need to tend to the flame.

‍Sometimes that’s meditation and prayer before your next meeting.

Sometimes it’s a 10-minute walk outside asking, “Why do I love this work again?”

Sometimes it’s reading the story of Zacchaeus (and others in the Gospels) and remembering: Jesus doesn’t pressure people - He invites them.

‍The Major Gift Fundraising MRI Scan Recap

‍Over the past five weeks, we’ve explored five key reflections that shape your fundraising instincts:

1. Relationship Rhythm - how you build trust leading up to the invitation
2. Messaging Approach - how you articulate your cause
3. Systems & Structure - how you organize and follow through
4. Invitation Style - how you tell stories and extend asks
5. Spiritual Grounding - how you stay anchored in purpose and joy

If you haven’t taken the assessment yet, you can do that [here]. It’s free and takes about 20 minutes to complete.

‍Your spiritual posture isn’t a supplement to your strategy - it’s the soil your strategy grows in.

Tend to it. Light the candle again.

And remember: when you invite someone to give, you’re not just funding a mission. You’re stepping with them onto holy ground.

Thank you for the work you do!

* * * * * * * * * *

‍If you haven't taken advantage of some of the resources I've created to help major gift fundraisers, take a look now!  Initial calls with me are free and "no strings attached".  Sometimes folks feel like they need to wait and not 'bother' me until they have a pressing issue.  No need for that...just make the call. 🕺

‍Here's where you can access a lot of content for free:

* JappaFry Writer - A freely available AI tool that draws from over 175 pages of original teaching, storytelling, frameworks, and strategy from my 30 year career in major gift fundraising.

‍* Follow me on LinkedIn - You'll get short pro-tips and reflections on major gift fundraising every day between 5-7am pacific.

* Breakthru Newsletter - As you've seen here, these are longer weekly posts (audio and written) sent directly to your email.

* Breakthru Blog - the newsletter from the previous week gets posted here each week for everyone (so email subscribers get it a week early).

* Breakthru Podcast - Interviews with high net worth givers about how we as fundraisers can get better at inviting them to the party.  And audio readings of Breakthru Blog posts.

‍Before getting to the PAID stuff: My opinion is that no small ministry with a tight budget should be spending more than $3-5k (total) for major gift coaching/consulting.  Most of you will be good-to-go spending far less than that.  This was a major issue for me when I was a frontline fundraiser - major gift consultants were an expensive 'black-box-of-confusion' for me.  That stops now.

‍Here's the PAID stuff:

‍* Online Catalyst Course - This is a full brain dump of my 28+ years of experience - good, bad, ugly.  It's built around the fundamentals, the sacredness, and the fun, of major gift fundraising.  It's infused with Henri Nouwen reflections.  Many people can take this course and they will be 'cooking-with-gas' and not need any additional coaching from me on the core systems.  I'm grateful that this course has gotten *great* reviews.

* Live coaching with me - I refer to this as "brain rental".  The ROI on live coaching, as you might imagine, is extraordinary.

Finally, be sure to connect with my colleague Ivana Salloum.  She's super awesome and can help with scheduling and access to resources, etc.

I look forward to hearing about your good work!

Blessings,