Smell Like A Leader

This is post #3 of The Clear-Eyed Series: An Exit Strategy from Confusion

‍If you’re new here, you can read the first post here: “What Counts as a Good Week in Major Gift Fundraising?”

Over several weeks we’re taking a clear-eyed look at the work itself - not a checklist to complete or a new system to master, but a steady way of orienting ourselves when anxiety creeps in.

And if you’ve been around for a while, consider this a weekly invitation to slow down, take stock, and remember what the work really is.

In last week’s guide, we talked about borrowed anxiety - how pressure moves quietly through an organization and settles in the body of the fundraiser doing the work.

This week I’m talking directly to leaders. Because anxiety doesn’t disappear just because it’s been named. It has to be carried somewhere. And in healthy organizations, leadership is where that weight belongs.

The loneliness of leadership is real

Most leaders I know care deeply. They feel responsible. They know the buck stops with them.

That weight can be isolating.

In that place, it’s easy to start believing you’re the only adult in the room. The only one worrying. The only one truly accountable. There’s a grain of truth here - leadership does carry unique responsibility.

What’s misleading is the idea that you’re alone. Your staff wants the mission to succeed - often just as much as you do. When leaders trust people to share the load, people usually do. When they don’t, they won’t.

That, too, is a leadership choice.

Where pressure actually helps

Pressure is not the enemy. Misapplied pressure is.

In major gift fundraising, pressure strengthens the work when it’s applied to shared disciplines and steady rhythms - not to speed, suspicion, or second-guessing.

When pressure is well placed, it creates movement instead of anxiety. It points people toward what matters and gives them something solid to lean into.

Here are a few places where pressure actually helps:

💪 Clear activity expectations that stretch people just beyond what’s comfortable. Growth lives there.
💪 Consistent reach-outs. Three a day.  Sixty a month. Seven hundred plus a year. That’s a lot of dust in the air - and dust is a sign of movement.
💪 Diligent follow-up and documentation. Unfinished work creates anxiety. Finished work creates peace.
💪 Weekly portfolio reviews that look honestly at relationships. What’s moving. What’s stalled. What needs patience. What needs (en)courage(ment).
💪 Celebrating connecting activity. People who agree to help you with connections are an anchor in your strategy.
💪 And yes - getting out of the office. Travel. Meals. Time with people. A generous travel budget isn’t indulgence. It’s how relational work actually happens.

This is what well-placed pressure smells like. Old Spice energy. Smell like a leader, leader.

Where pressure reliably makes things worse

There are also a few places where pressure almost always backfires -  even when intentions are good.

👎 “We need more asks out there.”
👎 “We need more new prospects.”
👎 “Why won’t so-and-so respond?”
👎 “Why am I the only one worried about this?”

When leaders say things like this, it’s like bad body odor. Everyone notices. No one wants to comment. And over time, it drains morale.

These statements don’t motivate. They communicate mistrust. They signal that speed matters more than discernment. That volume matters more than relationship. That silence equals failure.

That’s rarely what leaders mean.
But it’s often what lands.

Affirmation and prayer are leadership work

One of the most powerful tools leaders have in major gift fundraising is specific affirmation:

💖 You moved that relationship forward.
💖 The Strength of Relationship score went up.
💖 You executed your connector strategy well.
💖 You showed up consistently.

It’s tempting to think you’re letting people off the hook. But you’re actually strengthening them for the work.

Prayer belongs here too. Praying for clarity in messaging. For stirred hearts. For networks to open. For favor with proposals. For the lives of givers and their families. For spiritual protection.

I believe healthy organizations should pay people to help carry the work in prayer. I’m doing this in my organization because I’m so convinced it’s foundational.

A word about incentives

In our work, incentives shouldn’t be tied only to dollars raised. Retention and pipeline matter just as much - sometimes more.

Why? Because leaders should reward what teams can actually control. And fundraising is a team sport. We celebrate together. We suffer together. There are no individual winners.  That belief doesn’t just live in values statements - it shows up in policy.

Leadership pressure is unavoidable

Where you place it is a choice.

The job of leadership in major gift fundraising is not to police. It is to participate and bless. To model the work. To affirm generously. To use criticism sparingly. To trust the disciplines you’ve put in place.

When pressure is applied well, leaders are freed to carry their many other responsibilities, confident the advancement work is being done faithfully.

And when that happens, everyone can breathe a little easier.

And finally - say it with me:
Reach out to three people today.

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‍If you haven't taken advantage of some of the resources I've created to help major gift fundraisers, take a look now!  Initial calls with me are free and "no strings attached".  Sometimes folks feel like they need to wait and not 'bother' me until they have a pressing issue.  No need for that...just make the call. 🕺

‍Here's where you can access a lot of content for free:

* Major Gift Fundraising MRI Scan - A story-based self-assessment that helps you name your instincts, clarify your posture, and grow with intention. Takes less than 20 minutes and gives you a custom coaching summary based on your responses.

* JappaFry Writer - A freely available AI tool that draws from over 175 pages of original teaching, storytelling, frameworks, and strategy from my 30 year career in major gift fundraising.

‍* Follow me on LinkedIn - You'll get short pro-tips and reflections on major gift fundraising every day between 5-7am pacific.

* Breakthru Newsletter - As you've seen here, these are longer weekly posts (audio and written) sent directly to your email.

* Breakthru Blog - the newsletter from the previous week gets posted here each week for everyone (so email subscribers get it a week early).

* Breakthru Podcast - Interviews with high net worth givers about how we as fundraisers can get better at inviting them to the party.  And audio readings of Breakthru Blog posts.

‍Before getting to the PAID stuff: My opinion is that no small ministry with a tight budget should be spending more than $3-5k (total) for major gift coaching/consulting.  Most of you will be good-to-go spending far less than that.  This was a major issue for me when I was a frontline fundraiser - major gift consultants were an expensive 'black-box-of-confusion' for me.  That stops now.

‍Here's the PAID stuff:

‍* Online Catalyst Course - This is a full brain dump of my 28+ years of experience - good, bad, ugly.  It's built around the fundamentals, the sacredness, and the fun, of major gift fundraising.  It's infused with Henri Nouwen reflections.  Many people can take this course and they will be 'cooking-with-gas' and not need any additional coaching from me on the core systems.  I'm grateful that this course has gotten *great* reviews.

* Live coaching with me - I refer to this as "brain rental".  The ROI on live coaching, as you might imagine, is extraordinary.

Finally, be sure to connect with my colleague Ivana Salloum.  She's super awesome and can help with scheduling and access to resources, etc.

I look forward to hearing about your good work!

Blessings,