Borrowed Anxiety

This is post #3 of The Clear-Eyed Series: An Exit Strategy from Confusion

‍If you’re new here, you can read the first post here: “What Counts as a Good Week in Major Gift Fundraising?”

Over several weeks we’re taking a clear-eyed look at the work itself - not a checklist to complete or a new system to master, but a steady way of orienting ourselves when anxiety creeps in and the work starts to feel elusive.

And if you’ve been around for a while, consider this a weekly invitation to slow down, take stock, and remember what the work really is.

A few weeks ago, I was talking with a major gift fundraiser friend who was doing their work well.

Real conversations.
Consistent follow-up.
Clean documentation.
Specific prayer.

Nothing flashy. Nothing dramatic. Just the quiet, faithful work that actually builds trust over time.

And yet, as we talked, something else kept surfacing. They were tired in a particular way. It wasn’t tiredness that comes from long days or full calendars, but something deeper - the kind that shows up when you start questioning yourself even though the work itself is sound.

As the conversation unfolded, a pattern became clearer. Leadership questions were landing with increasing frequency.

Why hasn’t this moved yet?
Why aren’t more people responding?
Why don’t we have more new givers?
Why does this take so long?

None of the questions were unreasonable on their own. Most of them came from a genuine care for the mission. But taken together, they created a kind of pressure that relationships couldn’t absorb - a pressure to move faster than relationships allow.

Slowly, almost imperceptibly, that pressure began to shift something inside my friend.

They started second-guessing conversations that were actually going well. They felt the pull to move toward asks that didn’t feel ready. They wondered if they were missing something obvious everyone else could see.

At one point, they paused and said, almost to themselves, “I think I’m carrying worry that doesn’t actually belong to me.”

It was a keen insight.

In major gift fundraising, leadership concern often shows up as urgency.

Questions about progress.
Questions about responsiveness.
Questions about whether enough is happening fast enough.

None of that is inherently wrong.  But it gets absorbed most intensely by the people closest to the work. And once that happens, even good, faithful effort can begin to feel suspect. We find ourselves reacting to pressure that isn’t actually guiding us toward better relational work.

Before we talk about what leaders and fundraisers can do differently, it’s worth naming what’s really happening when urgency replaces clarity.

Let’s hear from Doechii:
“And it’s like I get this tightness in my chest, like an elephant is standing on me, and I just let it take over…”

That’s where it shows up first - in the body.
A low-grade agitation you can’t quite shake.
A sense that you should be doing more, faster, differently, even when you can’t name what that is.

You begin to interpret normal silence as failure.
You feel tempted to push conversations before they’re ready.
You start questioning work that is actually faithful and sound.

None of this is because you’ve suddenly forgotten how to do your job. It’s because urgency has replaced clarity.

And here’s the awful irony: Urgency often feels productive. Clarity often feels slow.

But urgency without relational grounding almost always leads to distortion. It speeds up activity without strengthening trust. It creates motion without progress. And it leaves fundraisers carrying emotional weight that was never meant to be theirs alone.

What makes this especially tricky is that leadership anxiety typically comes from a good place - care for the mission, responsibility for outcomes, a desire to see impact. The problem is when these concerns get expressed as a charge to go faster instead of support for relationships.

When that happens, fundraisers don’t feel guided. They feel evaluated. And once that elephant sits on your chest long enough, even good weeks start to feel suspect.

This is why learning to recognize borrowed anxiety matters. Not so you can push back defensively, but so you can stay clear-eyed about what’s actually happening and refuse to let urgency quietly rewrite the work.

If any of this resonates, let me encourage you.

You are not behind.
You are not slacking.
And you are not imagining the pressure.

A great deal of confusion in major gift fundraising comes from anxiety that gets passed along quietly. Simply noticing that dynamic already matters more than we tend to realize.

When you can name borrowed anxiety for what it is, it loses some of its power. You don’t have to react to every surge of urgency. You don’t have to let pressure rewrite the work. And you don’t have to carry concerns that belong somewhere else.

For now, the work is to stay clear-eyed.

Notice when urgency shows up in your body.
Pay attention to when speed starts replacing clarity.
And remind yourself what faithful work actually looks like.

Next week, I’ll continue on this theme by talking directly to leaders about where pressure does belong in major gift work. We’ll explore leadership practices that  strengthen relationships, support fundraisers, and lead to healthier outcomes over time.

Stay grounded.

And - say it with me:
Reach out to three people today.

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‍If you haven't taken advantage of some of the resources I've created to help major gift fundraisers, take a look now!  Initial calls with me are free and "no strings attached".  Sometimes folks feel like they need to wait and not 'bother' me until they have a pressing issue.  No need for that...just make the call. 🕺

‍Here's where you can access a lot of content for free:

* Major Gift Fundraising MRI Scan - A story-based self-assessment that helps you name your instincts, clarify your posture, and grow with intention. Takes less than 20 minutes and gives you a custom coaching summary based on your responses.

* JappaFry Writer - A freely available AI tool that draws from over 175 pages of original teaching, storytelling, frameworks, and strategy from my 30 year career in major gift fundraising.

‍* Follow me on LinkedIn - You'll get short pro-tips and reflections on major gift fundraising every day between 5-7am pacific.

* Breakthru Newsletter - As you've seen here, these are longer weekly posts (audio and written) sent directly to your email.

* Breakthru Blog - the newsletter from the previous week gets posted here each week for everyone (so email subscribers get it a week early).

* Breakthru Podcast - Interviews with high net worth givers about how we as fundraisers can get better at inviting them to the party.  And audio readings of Breakthru Blog posts.

‍Before getting to the PAID stuff: My opinion is that no small ministry with a tight budget should be spending more than $3-5k (total) for major gift coaching/consulting.  Most of you will be good-to-go spending far less than that.  This was a major issue for me when I was a frontline fundraiser - major gift consultants were an expensive 'black-box-of-confusion' for me.  That stops now.

‍Here's the PAID stuff:

‍* Online Catalyst Course - This is a full brain dump of my 28+ years of experience - good, bad, ugly.  It's built around the fundamentals, the sacredness, and the fun, of major gift fundraising.  It's infused with Henri Nouwen reflections.  Many people can take this course and they will be 'cooking-with-gas' and not need any additional coaching from me on the core systems.  I'm grateful that this course has gotten *great* reviews.

* Live coaching with me - I refer to this as "brain rental".  The ROI on live coaching, as you might imagine, is extraordinary.

Finally, be sure to connect with my colleague Ivana Salloum.  She's super awesome and can help with scheduling and access to resources, etc.

I look forward to hearing about your good work!

Blessings,