Can I Be Fully Myself In This Work?
Each week I write this Breakthru Guide as a small act of devotion: to join with givers, to honor this great vocation, and to stand with the brave souls who keep showing up everyday and extending invitations.
💖Please share with your friends who are on the frontlines raising funds for amazing causes💖
Welcome to the newcomers!
It was the early 2000s, and I walked hesitantly into the ballroom of a five-star resort - the kind with fountains in the lobby and too many forks on the table.
We were hosting a multi-day retreat for high-net-worth givers - couples who had flown in to hear stories of impact, talk openly about generosity, and consider deeper investment in the cause.
I was a junior member of the team helping to organize the event. Not the keynote. Not the closer. Just one of the staff working quietly behind the scenes.
I wasn’t part of their world - not really. These were people with private planes, family foundations, and lake houses that had lake houses. My laptop sounded like a jet engine. My shoes were secondhand.
One evening, just before dinner, the MC invited everyone to take a few minutes and introduce themselves around their tables. I nearly froze. What would I say?
“I’m one of the organizers”?
“I’m part of the fundraising team”?
“I believe in this mission with my whole heart - and I’m trying not to feel out of place”?
I smiled, said something polite, and stayed careful and quiet. Because beneath it all, the real question wasn’t about what to say. It was this:
Was I allowed to be fully myself?
The Two Versions
In more than 30 years of doing this work, I’ve found that - even now - I often feel split in two.
There’s the version of me in the meeting. And the version of me in the car afterward.
You might relate to this.
In the meeting, you’re sharp. Calm. Data-ready. You nod at the right moments. You phrase things carefully. You might even pray quietly - but only in your head. You watch your tone. You watch their eyes. You feel your heart pulling one way and your mouth speaking another.
Then later, in the car, you finally breathe. You shake your head at what you didn’t say. You whisper a prayer - out loud this time. You replay the moment you muted your instincts… again.
It’s subtle. But over time, this split wears you down.
“I want to be myself,” one fundraiser told me. “But I also want to be taken seriously.” Another said, “I want to lead with conviction - but I don’t want to be dismissed as overly emotional or naive.”
And sometimes, let’s be honest, the people you’re meeting with want you to feel small. I’ve learned that when someone uses their wealth or influence in that way, it’s usually because they’re carrying their own insecurity.
So what do you do?
You do what Jesus did in Mark 10. When the rich young ruler came running up to him, Jesus looked at him, and loved him.
Even when the man walked away. Jesus didn’t shrink. He didn’t shame. He stayed centered.
That’s the posture I keep coming back to. And I write more about that remarkable moment between Jesus and the rich man in this post.
The Perceived Tension
There’s a hidden equation many of us carry around - sometimes without even realizing it:
Authenticity = Relational, Soft, Unprofessional
Professionalism = Polished, Strategic, Disconnected
So we split the difference. We bring strategy to the boardroom. Soul to the after-hours coffee. Polite restraint to the proposal. And passion only when it feels safe.
Over time, that double-life posture starts to feel normal…
until it doesn’t.
But What If That’s a False Choice?
What if the tension isn’t really between authenticity and professionalism, but between posturing and presence?
What if you don’t need to mute your heart to lead with clarity?
What if your faith, your personality, your story, even the words that feel most like you - could actually deepen trust, not diminish it?
Now, let’s be open-eyed about this. Being yourself doesn’t mean being unfiltered - or spilling every emotion before it’s ready to be held.
But it does mean asking:
- Am I hiding something that’s central to how I lead and love?
- Am I diluting what I believe in the name of comfort or approval?
- Am I spending more energy managing perception than building real connection?
Here’s something I’ve come to believe over time: Integration is almost always better than impression.The most compelling fundraisers I know aren’t the most polished. They’re the most authentic.They know how to -
- Lead with clarity without erasing tenderness.
- Speak with conviction without needing to dominate.
- Hold strategy and faith in the same breath.
They don’t split into two selves.They show up as one - anchored, discerning, and at peace.
A Quick Example
I once heard a major gift officer start a proposal conversation with these words: “Before I show you the plan, I just want to say - this work matters to me deeply. Not just professionally, but personally. I believe in it. And I believe in what your gift could make possible.”
That giver didn’t blink. In fact, they leaned in.
And when the ask came? They said yes.
Not just because the numbers added up - but (I believe) because the person did.
A Few Ways to Practice Integration
Let your language breathe.
🫣You don’t have to hide the words that come naturally to your story - words like calling, blessing, sacred, joy.
Let your heart show.
💖A moment of honest emotion can build more trust than five perfect slides ever will.
Let your values surface.
🙏You don’t have to pretend this is just a job. (And you don’t have to pretend it’s only spiritual, either.)
Let your boundaries hold.
💃Being “yourself” doesn’t mean being endlessly available or self-sacrificing. Boundaries are part of integration, too.
A Blessing for the Integrated Fundraiser
If you’ve ever wondered, “Is it okay to bring my full self into this work?”
Then may you remember:
You are not too much.
You are not too tender.
You are not too strategic.
You are not too spiritual.
You are a bridge.
A translator.
A presence.
And this work needs you - fully, freely, wholly you.
For more on self care in major gift work, check out this post I wrote on mental health.
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If you haven't taken advantage of some of the resources I've created to help major gift fundraisers, take a look now! Initial calls with me are free and "no strings attached". Sometimes folks feel like they need to wait and not 'bother' me until they have a pressing issue. No need for that...just make the call. 🕺
Here's where you can access a lot of content for free:
* Major Gift Fundraising MRI Scan - A story-based self-assessment that helps you name your instincts, clarify your posture, and grow with intention. Takes less than 20 minutes and gives you a custom coaching summary based on your responses.
* JappaFry Writer - A freely available AI tool that draws from over 175 pages of original teaching, storytelling, frameworks, and strategy from my 30 year career in major gift fundraising.
* Follow me on LinkedIn - You'll get short pro-tips and reflections on major gift fundraising every day between 5-7am pacific.
* Breakthru Newsletter - As you've seen here, these are longer weekly posts (audio and written) sent directly to your email.
* Breakthru Blog - the newsletter from the previous week gets posted here each week for everyone (so email subscribers get it a week early).
* Breakthru Podcast - Interviews with high net worth givers about how we as fundraisers can get better at inviting them to the party. And audio readings of Breakthru Blog posts.
Before getting to the PAID stuff: My opinion is that no small ministry with a tight budget should be spending more than $3-5k (total) for major gift coaching/consulting. Most of you will be good-to-go spending far less than that. This was a major issue for me when I was a frontline fundraiser - major gift consultants were an expensive 'black-box-of-confusion' for me. That stops now.
Here's the PAID stuff:
* Online Catalyst Course - This is a full brain dump of my 28+ years of experience - good, bad, ugly. It's built around the fundamentals, the sacredness, and the fun, of major gift fundraising. It's infused with Henri Nouwen reflections. Many people can take this course and they will be 'cooking-with-gas' and not need any additional coaching from me on the core systems. I'm grateful that this course has gotten *great* reviews.
* Live coaching with me - I refer to this as "brain rental". The ROI on live coaching, as you might imagine, is extraordinary.
Finally, be sure to connect with my colleague Ivana Salloum. She's super awesome and can help with scheduling and access to resources, etc.
I look forward to hearing about your good work!
Blessings,
