What If They Say No?

Before we get started:

‍I’m so grateful to those of you who’ve said yes to reading (or listening to) an advance copy of my new fable Gifted: A Fable About Fundraising (aka Awkward Invitations).

If you’ve read any of Patrick Lencioni’s fables like The 5 Dysfunctions of a Team or Getting Naked, this will feel familiar in style - short, story-driven, and practical. It’s about a 45-minute read (7,700 words) and it has been a joy to write.

Now I’d love your help: Would you be willing to read (or listen) and share your honest feedback?  Just email me directly - I truly value your perspectives.

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Rejection stings - there’s just no way around it.

‍‍So how do we stay confident, while still leading with kindness and boldness?

‍I’ll never forget an early lesson from my first years in major gift work. We were in the middle of a high-stakes capital campaign, and every call felt like walking a tightrope. I was heading into a meeting with a wealthy prospect. The relationship was strong, and I felt hopeful.

But my colleague wasn’t convinced. He looked shaken. “What if they say no?” he asked. Then came six words that stopped me cold: “I feel like a scam artist.”

We hadn’t done anything wrong. The giver was gracious. In fact, they ended up fully funding the request.

And yet, afterward my colleague confessed: “I never want to do that again.”

There it was - the sting of invitation mixed with expectation and the looming possibility of rejection. That whisper of doubt - that maybe fundraising is somehow wrong… like we’re asking for something we don’t deserve.

If you’ve ever lain awake rehearsing an ask, felt your stomach drop before a meeting, or wondered “What if they just say no?” - this one’s for you.‍

Rejection Feels Brutal‍

If you’re in this work long enough, you’ll eventually feel it. Rejection can:

• Feel personal, even when it’s not
• Shake your confidence
• Stir hard questions: Am I enough? Is our cause compelling enough?

And yet - rejection is part of the work. It’s baked into the sacred calling of asking. Every “no” reminds us that we are engaging with real human partners, not ATM machines.

‍Lessons from “I Feel Like a Scam Artist”

‍That story surfaced a few truths worth carrying forward - especially as we wrestle with rejection:

1. We can slip from “asking” into “expecting.”
   When we start to believe people owe us funding - because the cause is urgent, because we “deserve” their gifts - every “no” feels like betrayal. Not just a missed opportunity, but a personal rejection.
2. Invitation + involvement is different from expectation.
   Entitlement pushes people away.  Humility and gratitude invites them in. Instead of demanding a yes, we offer a chance to partner - creating dignity for both sides.
3. Transparency and integrity silence the scam artist's voice.
   When you’re clear about what you’re asking and why it matters, a “no” cannot undo your integrity.

Holding Confidence - Kindly & Boldly

‍When the fear of “no” threatens to immobilize, these practices can help you practice boldness without losing kindness:

Bold Kindness: Staying Relational Even When You’re Vulnerable‍

Confidence isn’t the absence of vulnerability - it’s the choice to show up anyway. And when the time comes to actually speak the ask - these postures help you stay grounded in relationship, not performance:

• Use language that honors the relationship:
  Based on our conversations, I think this could be a great fit - but I’d love to hear your thoughts.
• Acknowledge uncertainty:
  This idea might cause a little heartburn - let’s talk it through together.
• Respond to “no” with grace:
  Thank them, listen well, and leave the door open.
  Often, a “no for now” becomes a “yes later” or opens the way for a different gift.

The Sacred Thread Beneath It All

‍Every ask - whether embraced or declined - is part of a larger story. It’s how causes take shape, how hearts connect to purpose, how faithfulness reveals itself.

Remember: Rejection does not nullify the mission.

‍So this is my prayer for you today:
‍May you wake tomorrow knowing you were brave - even without a “yes.”
May you see “no” not as a judgment, but as part of the landscape.
And may you keep asking - kindly, boldly, and with reverence for the sacred work you carry.

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‍If you haven't taken advantage of some of the resources I've created to help major gift fundraisers, take a look now!  Initial calls with me are free and "no strings attached".  Sometimes folks feel like they need to wait and not 'bother' me until they have a pressing issue.  No need for that...just make the call. 🕺

‍Here's where you can access a lot of content for free:

* Major Gift Fundraising MRI Scan - A story-based self-assessment that helps you name your instincts, clarify your posture, and grow with intention. Takes less than 20 minutes and gives you a custom coaching summary based on your responses.

* JappaFry Writer - A freely available AI tool that draws from over 175 pages of original teaching, storytelling, frameworks, and strategy from my 30 year career in major gift fundraising.

‍* Follow me on LinkedIn - You'll get short pro-tips and reflections on major gift fundraising every day between 5-7am pacific.

* Breakthru Newsletter - As you've seen here, these are longer weekly posts (audio and written) sent directly to your email.

* Breakthru Blog - the newsletter from the previous week gets posted here each week for everyone (so email subscribers get it a week early).

* Breakthru Podcast - Interviews with high net worth givers about how we as fundraisers can get better at inviting them to the party.  And audio readings of Breakthru Blog posts.

‍Before getting to the PAID stuff: My opinion is that no small ministry with a tight budget should be spending more than $3-5k (total) for major gift coaching/consulting.  Most of you will be good-to-go spending far less than that.  This was a major issue for me when I was a frontline fundraiser - major gift consultants were an expensive 'black-box-of-confusion' for me.  That stops now.

‍Here's the PAID stuff:

‍* Online Catalyst Course - This is a full brain dump of my 28+ years of experience - good, bad, ugly.  It's built around the fundamentals, the sacredness, and the fun, of major gift fundraising.  It's infused with Henri Nouwen reflections.  Many people can take this course and they will be 'cooking-with-gas' and not need any additional coaching from me on the core systems.  I'm grateful that this course has gotten *great* reviews.

* Live coaching with me - I refer to this as "brain rental".  The ROI on live coaching, as you might imagine, is extraordinary.

Finally, be sure to connect with my colleague Ivana Salloum.  She's super awesome and can help with scheduling and access to resources, etc.

I look forward to hearing about your good work!

Blessings,