Reset Your Posture

Early in my career, I fancied myself a deal maker.

I wouldn’t have said it quite this bluntly at the time, but my underlying belief was something like this: I’m not doing this to make friends. I’m doing it to close deals for the ministry. 

I felt a strong sense of responsibility to produce results, and I carried that into every conversation. I wanted to be the one. The one with the best relationships. The one people trusted. The one who could get something done. I took pride in being persistent.

There’s a story I remember clearly. I had been trying to connect with a prospective giver for a few months. I called repeatedly. Left messages. Followed up. Stayed after it. Eventually, he agreed to meet. My boss and I walked into his office, sat down, and his first words were, “Well, I had to go ahead and schedule this meeting just to get this kid to stop calling me.” We all chuckled. Like, yeah… that’s just how it is.

At the time, I wore it as a badge of honor. I had gotten the meeting. I had broken through. I had stayed persistent. I would retell the story as evidence of my commitment and drive. 

But looking back, I feel a tinge of cringe.

Because the truth is, I was pushing. I was steering the interaction before I had earned the right to do so. I was more focused on moving something forward than understanding what was actually happening in that person’s life. I was trying to hit a goal, whether or not that goal matched where the other person was.

And that posture comes at a cost. It drains some of the enjoyment out of the work. It turns every interaction into a kind of performance. And, even if only subtly, it erodes trust. People may still take the meeting. They may still be polite. But the relationship doesn’t deepen in the way it could.

Persistent effort wasn’t the problem, but I began to see that I could make different choices in how I behaved. I decided to care more deeply about what was happening in the lives of the people I was meeting with. That became a way of working. I began paying closer attention to what people were interested in. What they were carrying. What mattered to them outside of anything I might eventually hope to invite them into.

I had to loosen my grip on being the one. That took time. Because the desire to be the one shows up in so many small ways. Wanting to be recognized. Feeling slighted when someone else has a stronger connection. Subtly trying to position myself as the primary voice in a relationship. The person who makes the introduction, gets the meeting, delivers the message, and closes the deal.

Letting go of that has been essential work in my life.

I still believe in persistence and taking responsibility for results. But I no longer believe that the goal of a relationship is solely to get someone to move.

The goal is to understand where they are. With open hands. Being willing to let the conversation go where it needs to go. Caring about what matters to them. And, when the time is right, discovering together where there is a meaningful place for the work I represent to intersect with the story of their lives. I’ve had to learn that understanding someone more fully is not a detour from fundraising, but an essential part of it.

When I walk into meetings now, there’s a different feel. There’s less urgency to prove something. Less need to get to a particular outcome. More space to listen. To ask. To notice what’s actually being said - and what isn’t. Something interesting happens when you create that kind of space.  

Conversations tend to open up. They move in directions that are more aligned with what the other person cares about. And when next steps do emerge, they tend to make sense for them - not just for me.

Here’s a simple reset you can join me in practicing before each meeting:

First, pause and pray:

Creator, give me as much love and compassion as I can bear for this person today. Help me to listen and watch well. Give me eyes to see and ears to hear. This prayer helps us get centered. It shifts the focus away from what we’re trying to accomplish and back toward the person we’re sitting with.

Second, ask yourself a question:

What would it feel like if the person I was meeting with showed genuine and specific interest in my life right now? Not surface-level interest. Real interest. What would they notice? What would they ask about? What would it feel like to be listened to without the conversation constantly being steered toward their agenda? Then flip it. Walk into the conversation and offer that to them.

You don’t need to force anything. You don’t need to explain everything. You don’t need to win.

When your posture shifts, the work begins to feel different. Conversations become more natural. Trust builds more steadily. And the next steps that emerge tend to reflect what people actually care about.

So, yes I’m still very much a deal maker. I still care about results. I still care about moving important work forward. I still believe there are times when persistence is exactly what is required.

It’s just that being a deal maker is no longer where I anchor my identity. And, oh my, that’s such a better place from which to do this work.

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If you haven’t explored the free resources I’ve created for major gift fundraisers, this is a great place to start:

• Follow me on LinkedIn for daily pro tips and reflections.
• Major Gift Fundraising MRI Scan - a short, story-based assessment to help you name your instincts and clarify your posture.
• JappaFry Writer - an AI tool shaped by 30+ years of real-world experience, teaching, and strategy.
• Breakthru Newsletter, Blog, and Podcast - ongoing reflections, conversations, and practical guidance for the work you care about most.

These resources are designed to meet you where you are - and help you move forward with clarity and confidence.

If you’d ever like to talk, you can always schedule a free introductory call. I'd love to get acquainted and hear what you’re navigating right now.

‍For organizations ready for more structured support:

‍You may not need a full-time development leader - at least not yet. Sometimes what’s needed is clearer thinking. Sometimes more consistent action. And sometimes, for a season, real leadership.Here are a few ways we can start building momentum together:

* Online Catalyst Course ($199) - A complete brain dump of 30+ years in major gift fundraising - the good, the hard, and the surprisingly joyful. Built around strong fundamentals, the sacredness, and yes, even the fun. Infused with insights from Henri Nouwen. Many who take this course find it gives them everything they need to build healthy, sustainable systems.

* Live coaching ($300-400 / 90 minutes) - Think of this as "brain rental". Focused, strategic, and highly practical. The kind of time that brings clarity quickly and creates real momentum.

* Laser-focused session ($99 / 45 minutes) - For one specific moment that matters - preparing for a high-stakes conversation, navigating an invitation, or working through a decision that needs clarity.

* Fractional Director of Development - For a small number of organizations, I step in more deeply - bringing clarity to your message, movement to key relationships, and structures your team can sustain long after I’m gone.
In the first 90 days, you can expect:

• clearer, more confident communication of your vision
• more meaningful engagement with top givers and prospects
• renewed movement in relationships that may have stalled
• simple, actionable next steps after each interaction
• a sharper sense of who is ready to be invited - and who is not

Most fractional engagements range from $2,500 - $7,500+ per month depending on the level of involvement.Not sure what kinds of support you need? I can point you to a simple Development Readiness Assessment -  just reply and let me know.

And don’t miss connecting with my colleague Ivana Salloum - she's wonderful and can help with scheduling, resources, and getting you where you need to go.

Thank you for the work you do. Truly.I’d love to hear what’s unfolding in your world - and how I can come alongside you.

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