What Are You Noticing?

(Names are withheld and scenarios are substantively changed to protect privacy)

Generally speaking, my 30 years in major gift fundraising have been drama-free. At least there hasn’t been much obvious drama.

No big announcements. Very few explicit changes in giving. Maybe a handful of difficult conversations where someone simply tells you exactly what is going on.

Most of the time, it's my spidey senses that alert me that something just feels...different.

A spouse who used to attend meetings isn't there anymore. A giver who has always been enthusiastic about your work suddenly seems hesitant. A family foundation you've known for years begins asking different questions. Someone experiences a significant financial event, but instead of becoming more interested in philanthropy, they seem to disappear into an entirely different season of life.

Those are data points. 

And one of the most important skills we can develop as fundraisers is learning to notice them without immediately deciding what they mean.

Great fundraisers notice a lot

Years ago, I was working with a couple where one spouse had historically been my primary relationship. She was interested in our work and had been supportive of it. 

But something had changed. She seemed hesitant. It would have been easy to interpret that hesitation through the lens of our organization.
Is she losing interest?
Did we do something wrong?
Is she reconsidering their giving?

Eventually, I talked with her directly. What I learned was that her spouse wanted to become more involved in the family's philanthropy. And some of the things he cared deeply about weren't the things she cared about. Including, frankly, my cause.

We talked about it. And ultimately, we decided together that this was a good time for them to pause their giving to us and direct more of their philanthropy toward things he cared about. 

🫤Not exactly the ending they teach you to pursue in fundraising school.

But it was the right one. The hesitation I had noticed was real. My initial explanations for it would have been completely wrong. 

That's the difference between noticing and diagnosing.

Wise fundraisers know what to do with what they notice

I once had three meetings with a giver over roughly nine months. Their spouse wasn't at any of them. That was unusual. 

I didn't ask them what was going on. I filed the observation away and eventually talked with a trusted connector who knew the family much better than I did. They told me the couple was separated.

The connector gave me permission to let the giver know that I was aware of what was happening. That allowed me to care for them a little more specifically. It also told me something else. Back off the giving agenda for a while.

In another situation, a giver had recently experienced a very lucrative exit from a startup. From a traditional fundraising perspective, you might look at that situation and see flashing neon lights: 
💰CAPACITY!

But what I noticed was something else. New cars. Boats. Trips. A home. Lots of spending. And seemingly very little interest in giving. So I talked with someone I trusted who knew the situation better than I did.

Their advice was essentially: leave this one alone. So I did. I've made a few attempts to reconnect since then, without much response. So I've continued to leave it alone.

That's the strange thing about noticing well. Sometimes it helps tee up a $250,000 gift. Sometimes it helps you realize you shouldn't pursue a gift at all.

Noticing is not investigating

This is where things can get a little confusing. 

Major gift fundraisers are often given extraordinary access to people's lives. We learn about marriages and children. Business successes and failures. Family tensions. Health scares. Inheritances. Estrangements. Dreams. Regrets.

People will sometimes tell you things they would never tell most people. And if you're not careful, you can begin treating all of that as fundraising intelligence. That’s when we start walking onto thin ice.

There's an almost pastoral responsibility that comes with this work. When someone entrusts you with something personal, you hold it carefully. You don't automatically put it in the CRM. You don't bring it up at the next development meeting because it's interesting. You don't use it to demonstrate how well-connected you are.

And you certainly don't automatically start digging for more.

Sometimes a person will say something and you'll sense that you've reached the edge of what they're comfortable sharing. Notice that, too. You don't need to ask the next question just because you could. 

Access is not permission. Curiosity is a wonderful quality in a fundraiser. Entitlement to an answer is not.

Your connectors need to trust you, too

I've mentioned trusted connectors several times because they have been incredibly important in my work.

But “trusted” needs to work both directions.

I need to trust that a connector isn't going to run back to a giver and repeat every question I've asked. And they need to trust that whatever they share with me isn't going to become gossip.

A connector should never have to wonder what we're going to do with the access they've given us. This went badly once when a fundraiser was given unusual access to a family that was notoriously difficult to reach.

Unfortunately, they mishandled the meeting and weren’t invited back. The connector who had opened the door experienced significant heartburn over the whole thing. You might be wondering what that person did that was so offensive. They overstayed their welcome by about two hours. Yikes.

Sometimes the information isn't yours

A giver once briefly confided in me that there was trouble in their marriage. This was a couple many people probably assumed was immune to that kind of thing. They weren't. I never brought it up again. I'm glad I didn't. It was very clear to me that this wasn't my space.

That's an important discipline for those of us who build relationships for a living.

We can become accustomed to asking good questions. We learn how to get people talking. We become genuinely curious about their lives. Those can all be wonderful qualities.

But maturity means knowing when not to ask the next question.

Keep watching for data points

The disciplines that have helped me identify paths toward big giving are the same disciplines that told me to pause giving with the first couple, back away from the giver after the business exit, and leave someone's marital difficulties alone.

Great fundraisers notice a lot. Wise fundraisers know what to do with what they notice.

➡️Pay attention to what's different.
➡️File away data points without immediately creating stories around them.
➡️When appropriate, talk with someone you trust who may understand the situation better.
➡️Hold what you're told carefully. Sometimes the most honest next step is to ask a question. Sometimes it's to change your strategy. Sometimes it's to back off.

And sometimes it's simply to notice...and do nothing.

* * * * * * * * * *

If you haven’t explored the free resources I’ve created for major gift fundraisers, this is a great place to start:

• Follow me on LinkedIn for daily pro tips and reflections.
• Major Gift Fundraising MRI Scan - a short, story-based assessment to help you name your instincts and clarify your posture.
• JappaFry Writer - an AI tool shaped by 30+ years of real-world experience, teaching, and strategy.
• Breakthru Newsletter, Blog, and Podcast - ongoing reflections, conversations, and practical guidance for the work you care about most.

These resources are designed to meet you where you are - and help you move forward with clarity and confidence.

If you’d ever like to talk, you can always schedule a free introductory call. I'd love to get acquainted and hear what you’re navigating right now.

‍For organizations ready for more structured support:

‍You may not need a full-time development leader - at least not yet. Sometimes what’s needed is clearer thinking. Sometimes more consistent action. And sometimes, for a season, real leadership.Here are a few ways we can start building momentum together:

* Online Catalyst Course ($199) - A complete brain dump of 30+ years in major gift fundraising - the good, the hard, and the surprisingly joyful. Built around strong fundamentals, the sacredness, and yes, even the fun. Infused with insights from Henri Nouwen. Many who take this course find it gives them everything they need to build healthy, sustainable systems.

* Live coaching ($300-400 / 90 minutes) - Think of this as "brain rental". Focused, strategic, and highly practical. The kind of time that brings clarity quickly and creates real momentum.

* Laser-focused session ($99 / 45 minutes) - For one specific moment that matters - preparing for a high-stakes conversation, navigating an invitation, or working through a decision that needs clarity.

* Fractional Director of Development - For a small number of organizations, I step in more deeply - bringing clarity to your message, movement to key relationships, and structures your team can sustain long after I’m gone.
In the first 90 days, you can expect:

• clearer, more confident communication of your vision
• more meaningful engagement with top givers and prospects
• renewed movement in relationships that may have stalled
• simple, actionable next steps after each interaction
• a sharper sense of who is ready to be invited - and who is not

Most fractional engagements range from $2,500 - $7,500+ per month depending on the level of involvement.Not sure what kinds of support you need? I can point you to a simple Development Readiness Assessment -  just reply and let me know.

And don’t miss connecting with my colleague Ivana Salloum - she's wonderful and can help with scheduling, resources, and getting you where you need to go.

Thank you for the work you do. Truly.I’d love to hear what’s unfolding in your world - and how I can come alongside you.

‍