The Curious Case of the Chirping Crickets

One time I invited a giver to attend a vision presentation for a cause I support. I started by sending a text (their preferred means of communication). No response. I followed up. Still nothing.

I believe I tried one more time. Crickets. 

But I truly didn’t worry about it. We have a 5 out of 5 on the Strength of Relationship Assessment. I knew the relationship was strong, so I let it go.

Sometime later, I texted the same giver about something completely different. I was applying for a fundraising role and asked if they would be willing to serve as a reference. They knew I would be talking about our relationship and how I had cultivated them as a giver. Their response was immediate and enthusiastic. We ended up having several back-and-forth exchanges about the job opportunity.

They still never responded to my invitation to the vision presentation. 😅

Message received. Or maybe more accurately: message not received - and that was okay. 

They weren’t rejecting me. I didn't conclude that they had rejected the organization or its mission. For whatever reason, they simply weren’t interested in responding to that particular invitation. 

So I let it go.

The unanswered text does not define the relationship

One of the harder disciplines in major gift fundraising is learning not to make someone else's silence about you. I wish younger J.Paul had understood this better.

Well, maybe not that young 😊

My experience tells me that probably 75% of the time, when a giver goes quiet, their silence isn't about me - or even about the viability of the mission I'm representing. 

Their life is happening.

I had another giver go quiet during a season when a business relationship - with significant financial and philanthropic hopes attached to it - was falling apart. During the same time, he was reconnecting with a family member after a previously broken relationship.

I could have sat at my desk wondering: Did I say something wrong? Have they lost interest? Is our vision not compelling enough? 

Meanwhile, there were far more important things happening in his life. Which brings me to the first place I go when someone stops responding - my inner Spock. Take the emotion out of it. Get curious. Consider what I actually know.

Start with the relationship

I go back and assess the strength of relationship by thinking through five questions:
* Do I know both spouses - and perhaps some extended family - and have I actually spoken with them?
* Do I know a significant family milestone from the last 12 months and/or coming in the next 18?
* Do I know their particular passion related to our mission?
* Have we talked about their giving in the last six months?
* Do I know what else they love giving to and what brings them joy in their charitable activity?

Those questions help me distinguish between “This is unusual” and “I probably don't know this person well enough to interpret their silence.”

Then I think back through our previous conversations. I pray and meditate. And, whenever possible, I talk with someone who knows them better than I do. 

That last one can be invaluable. I might call a connector who is close to them and ask if there's anything I should know. And I try to give that person genuine permission to tell me something I may not want to hear: “J.Paul, you need to back off.” Because occasionally, the silence actually is about us. 

What is it like to interact with you?

I once watched a giver fail to respond to a CEO for several months. Eventually, I reached out to her. She responded and agreed to a video call with the CEO and me. Why? I’m not entirely sure.

Maybe she found interactions with the CEO tedious. They rarely felt like quick exchanges. By contrast, I'm fairly well known among the givers I work with for being quick and clear in our communications. Or maybe she assumed the CEO was too busy to have a simple, “gratuitous” interaction with her. Those are guesses. And that's precisely the point. 

Silence isn't permission to invent a story about someone. But it is an invitation to examine ourselves.

So I ask:
* What is it like to receive a text from me?
* Does every phone call turn into 45 minutes?
* Does every coffee eventually become an ask?
* Does responding to me create another obligation?
* Do people trust that they can tell me no?

Those are better questions than, “Why won't this giver call me back?”

Sometimes silence is just...silence

I have another giver with whom I have a very strong relationship. He has young and teenage kids. Lots of business responsibilities. Lots of charitable involvement. Sometimes he responds. Sometimes he doesn't. And I don't worry about it. Our Strength of Relationship is probably a four or five out of five. 

We've developed enough trust that we can have truncated exchanges without all the pleasantries. Nothing is wrong. He's busy. I'm busy. We'll talk again. Ironically, this may be one of those rare moments when I need to remind myself: J.Paul, it's just a transaction. 😉

I know. Heresy coming from the guy who keeps telling you major gift fundraising isn't transactional. But hear me carefully. 

The unanswered text does not define the relationship. The missed phone call is not the relationship. The declined invitation is not the relationship. Don't give one interaction more relational meaning than it deserves.

‍So what do you do when the crickets are chirping?

For me, after a couple of reasonable attempts, I usually let it lie. Maybe 45–60 days. Then I might try again. If there's still nothing, I may give it even more time.

Here’s what I’ve learned - often the hard way - not to do:
* No increasingly clever texts.
* No manufactured reason to “touch base.”
* No internal drama about what their silence means.
* And no chasing someone simply because there's a fundraising goal sitting on a spreadsheet somewhere.

People have lives. Sometimes those lives are joyful. Sometimes they're incredibly complicated. Often we know much less about what's happening than we think we do.

Assess the relationship. Remember what you know. Pray. Ask someone closer to them if there's something you're missing. Give them permission to tell you to back off. And then be willing to leave the relationship alone for a while.

Cultivate your inner Spock. Be curious about the silence. Don't be too quick to interpret it.

Sometimes… it is just crickets.🦗

* * * * * * * * * *

If you haven’t explored the free resources I’ve created for major gift fundraisers, this is a great place to start:

• Follow me on LinkedIn for daily pro tips and reflections.
• Major Gift Fundraising MRI Scan - a short, story-based assessment to help you name your instincts and clarify your posture.
• JappaFry Writer - an AI tool shaped by 30+ years of real-world experience, teaching, and strategy.
• Breakthru Newsletter, Blog, and Podcast - ongoing reflections, conversations, and practical guidance for the work you care about most.

These resources are designed to meet you where you are - and help you move forward with clarity and confidence.

If you’d ever like to talk, you can always schedule a free introductory call. I'd love to get acquainted and hear what you’re navigating right now.

‍For organizations ready for more structured support:

‍You may not need a full-time development leader - at least not yet. Sometimes what’s needed is clearer thinking. Sometimes more consistent action. And sometimes, for a season, real leadership.Here are a few ways we can start building momentum together:

* Online Catalyst Course ($199) - A complete brain dump of 30+ years in major gift fundraising - the good, the hard, and the surprisingly joyful. Built around strong fundamentals, the sacredness, and yes, even the fun. Infused with insights from Henri Nouwen. Many who take this course find it gives them everything they need to build healthy, sustainable systems.

* Live coaching ($300-400 / 90 minutes) - Think of this as "brain rental". Focused, strategic, and highly practical. The kind of time that brings clarity quickly and creates real momentum.

* Laser-focused session ($99 / 45 minutes) - For one specific moment that matters - preparing for a high-stakes conversation, navigating an invitation, or working through a decision that needs clarity.

* Fractional Director of Development - For a small number of organizations, I step in more deeply - bringing clarity to your message, movement to key relationships, and structures your team can sustain long after I’m gone.
In the first 90 days, you can expect:

• clearer, more confident communication of your vision
• more meaningful engagement with top givers and prospects
• renewed movement in relationships that may have stalled
• simple, actionable next steps after each interaction
• a sharper sense of who is ready to be invited - and who is not

Most fractional engagements range from $2,500 - $7,500+ per month depending on the level of involvement.Not sure what kinds of support you need? I can point you to a simple Development Readiness Assessment -  just reply and let me know.

And don’t miss connecting with my colleague Ivana Salloum - she's wonderful and can help with scheduling, resources, and getting you where you need to go.

Thank you for the work you do. Truly.I’d love to hear what’s unfolding in your world - and how I can come alongside you.

‍